The 2012 Remix Report Card, Vol. 5

"Bad Girls (Remix)" by M.I.A. featuring Missy Elliott and Rye Rye or Azealia Banks
The alt icon I've always had a low tolerance for as a vocalist dropping two remixes of her latest single, both featuring Missy and one up-and-coming female dance rap sensation. Of course, I'm partial since one is from Baltimore and did an interview with me recently, but I think Rye Rye killed this and Azealia Banks is mostly still annoying and overrated. The beat on the first remix is better too, though. Missy's cool but guest verses have never really been her thing, it's more fun to hear her rule her own track.
Best Verse: Rye Rye
Overall Grade: B / C

"Bands A Make Her Dance (Remix)" by Juicy J featuring Lil Wayne and 2 Chainz
Juicy J's whole weird career resurgence as a solo artist after Three 6 tried and failed to sell out doesn't make a lot of sense to me, especially since such a brilliant producer and iffy rapper is mostly getting by working with of-the-moment producers. As Mike Will beats go I'm not real into this, it sounds like a lesser version of "Way Too Gone," and it feels even more inert and boring when turned into an all-star remix. As much as I want to be in favor of the rise of 2 Chainz, he really does shit the bed on most of his features, and Wayne is actually better than usual here, especially when he does that little start-stop flow and the track drops in and out with him.
Best Verse: Lil Wayne
Overall Grade: C-

"Born Stunna (Remix)" by Birdman featuring Rick Ross, Lil Wayne and Nicki Minaj
The original is one of the worst songs of the year, mainly for Ross's chorus, so hearing that a few more times automatically makes this pretty terrible. There are serious diminishing returns on Nicki's "you my son" punchlines, which weren't even that good to begin with, and Birdman's verse is laughably rudimentary even by his usual standards. So it's a mild surprise when Wayne saves this with a fairly energetic verse at the end. 
Best Verse: Lil Wayne
Overall Grade: D+

"Function (Remix)" by E-40 featuring French Montana, Young Jeezy, Red Cafe, Chris Brown and Problem
It's a sad reminder of how regionally divided rap radio still is that this song charted nationally seemingly purely off of West coast airplay, not that it's one of my favorite songs of E-40's album but he made one of the year's best rap records and it would be nice to hear him on the radio, which I still haven't even after this big-name remix. 40's opening verse isn't as good as the one on the original, and everything else is as you'd expect: French sounds about as hapless here as he does anywhere else, Red Cafe is boring as fuck, Jeezy holds it down well enough, and Chris Brown does his usual angry Jermaine Dupri routine.
Best Verse: Young Jeezy
Overall Grade: B-

"Tonight (Best You Ever Had) (Remix)" by John Legend featuring Pusha T
The original "Tonight" with Ludacris is not that good but has kind of become an unlikely R&B radio hit from two guys whose careers had been pretty cold for a while. I'd actually kind of forgotten John Legend was still on G.O.O.D. Music during the run-up to Cruel Summer until this remix dropped and I mean, label synergy aside this is a pretty useless collab, nobody wants to hear Pusha get grown and sexy, if they want to hear him at all these days.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C
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