The 2012 Remix Report Card, Vol. 7
"Adorn (Remix)" by Miguel featuring Wiz Khalifa
This song is so perfect as is that even sullying it with a rap verse at all is distasteful to me -- when freestyles over it started trickling out on rap blogs a few weeks ago when the song became a big radio hit, the only one I could bring myself to listen to was Ma$e's for pure comedy purposes. But now it turns out one of them is the official remix on the deluxe edition of Kaliedoscope Dream, which especially bums me out because I was impressed that Miguel was able to keep any guest rappers off of the album proper. Fake laugh aside, Wiz's verse isn't that bad, could've been much worse, but considering that he's rap's biggest sucker for love at the moment he's just completely incapable of summoning any emotion at all, much less the emotion required for a song like "Adorn."
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F
"Cockiness (Love It) (Remix)" by Rihanna featuring A$AP Rocky
The original song is dumb awkard bullshit and the added guest is a worthless moron, so I can't really say anything's being sullied here, at least. But since Rihanna has already dropped the first single from her next album, maybe this will disappear without a trace despite the the VMA performance.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D
"Feelin' Single (Remix) - Single Ladies" by R. Kelly
R. has a great history of rewriting whole songs for his remixes, which rarely even need a featured guest, but he hasn't done that much for a while and I didn't expect it to happen to something off one of his last couple retro soul albums. This is much, much better than the bland "Lovely Day" rip of the original, and certainly better than the swing interlude in the video for the original.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B+
"Girl On Fire (Inferno Remix)" by Alicia Keys featuring Nicki Minaj
Oh look, another shit collaboration from the VMAs. It's kind of funny/sad that after the whole stupid controversy about Gabby Douglas's hair, the two superstars who make a big deal out of bringing her out onstage have straightened hair and a big blonde wig, respectively. Anyway you'd think at least hearing Nicki in a different mode from her usual animated schtick would make this work better, but no, song is just worthless in any form. How do you fuck up the Billy Squier drums? The downtempo 'Blue Light remix' may actually be worse for attempting to highlight the insipid melody and lyric.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D
"Itchin' (Remix)" by DJ Infamous featuring Future, Young Jeezy, Yo Gotti and Fabolous
One of the many big Future/Mike Will Made It records from this year, not one of their best but it's kind of a cool ominous banger. Fab tries different things with his delivery more often than people give him credit for, but this weird low key verse is a good example of why it usually doesn't work.
Best Verse: Young Jeezy
Overall Grade: C+
"Mobbin' (Remix)" by Maino featuring Busta Rhymes, Jim Jones, Gucci Mane, Yo Gotti and Trae The Truth
The original is a mediocre fake Waka song featuring a verse by Waka, which since it was by Maino it probably got played around the clock by Hot 97 at some point this year. It kinda cracks me up how this remix is precisely 50% dried up old NY rappers and 50% dried up old Southern rappers.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: C
"Plain Jane (Remix)" by Gucci Mane featuring T.I. and Rocko
The super slow bleary-eyed joint with Rocko from Trap Back earlier this year was not a favorite of mine, but the rising tide of Mike Will Made It productions is rising a lot of boats right now (right after "No Lie" and "Turn On The Lights" hit the R&B chart top 10 old songs like "Bandz A Make Her Dance" and "Way Too Gone" started rising). So Gucci threw a T.I. verse on this and made a video, but it's all not very good.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: C
"Pride N Joy (Remix)" by Fat Joe featuring Ashanti, Trey Songz, Pusha T and Miguel
The original was one of those bloated pointless Kanye West guest fests where you can barely even hear half the people credited on the song. The remix at least improves it slightly by letting Miguel actually sing, instead of shouting a few words through AutoTune, and removes the grating gang shout chorus, emphasizing the slow jam feel of the track.
Best verse: Ashanti
Overall Grade: B-
"Put It Down (Remix)" by Brandy featuring 2 Chainz and Tyga
I don't really understand the appeal of this song in general, but subtracting Chris Brown and adding 2 Chainz is at least an improvement. Tyga is super gross with his bondage talk, though.
Best Verse: 2 Chainz
Overall Grade: C+
"Rooster In My Rari (Remix)" by Waka Flocka Flame featuring 2 Chainz and Gucci Mane
This was one of my favorite songs on Triple F Life, which I still maintain is better than its reputation suggests. Remix is pretty anticlimactic, though, Gucci's voice is really boring and basic, especially after listening to him steal that "Mobbin'" remix.
Best Verse: 2 Chainz
Overall Grade: C+
"Slow Down (Remix)" by Clyde Carson featuring Gucci Mane, E-40, The Game and Dom Kennedy
I'm not really up on what's going on in the Bay these days besides those new E-40 albums, and he drops so many of those a year now that it doesn't leave me much of a hunger to hear more, even though those are really good. But this song's alright, I can kinda see why it's a hit but it's not killing me or anything. 40 jumping on it definitely makes it more listenable to me, and there's a reassuringly good Gucci verse. Game is hilarious and sad as usual.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: B
"Triumphant (Get 'Em) (Pulse Club Remix) / (Vintage Throwback Remix)" by Mariah Carey
The original "Triumphant" sounds like a remix with Rick Ross and Meek Mill crowding Mariah's space, while the actual remixes are Mariah solo tracks. "Pulse Club" sounds like an awkward and outdated attempt at falling in with dance pop trends, which is a shame because Mariah should be able to catch up to that stuff and do it as well as anyone else. "Vintage Throwback," meanwhile, is weirdly titled and probably the most current-sounding of all 3 versions, and not really vintage in any clear way.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D / B
"Turn On The Lights (Remix)" by Future featuring Lil Wayne
High profile rappers have generally been pretty well behaved throughout this Frank Ocean thing the last few months, and then Wayne had to go and ruin it with that "no Frank Ocean, I'm straight" line, in a song that also features the line "he gayer than a stylist." So fuck him, this remix is bullshit anyway since the whole appeal of Future's AutoTune ballads is that he's working in a unique new style that's distinct from the comparable things Wayne was doing a few years ago.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F
This song is so perfect as is that even sullying it with a rap verse at all is distasteful to me -- when freestyles over it started trickling out on rap blogs a few weeks ago when the song became a big radio hit, the only one I could bring myself to listen to was Ma$e's for pure comedy purposes. But now it turns out one of them is the official remix on the deluxe edition of Kaliedoscope Dream, which especially bums me out because I was impressed that Miguel was able to keep any guest rappers off of the album proper. Fake laugh aside, Wiz's verse isn't that bad, could've been much worse, but considering that he's rap's biggest sucker for love at the moment he's just completely incapable of summoning any emotion at all, much less the emotion required for a song like "Adorn."
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F
"Cockiness (Love It) (Remix)" by Rihanna featuring A$AP Rocky
The original song is dumb awkard bullshit and the added guest is a worthless moron, so I can't really say anything's being sullied here, at least. But since Rihanna has already dropped the first single from her next album, maybe this will disappear without a trace despite the the VMA performance.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D
"Feelin' Single (Remix) - Single Ladies" by R. Kelly
R. has a great history of rewriting whole songs for his remixes, which rarely even need a featured guest, but he hasn't done that much for a while and I didn't expect it to happen to something off one of his last couple retro soul albums. This is much, much better than the bland "Lovely Day" rip of the original, and certainly better than the swing interlude in the video for the original.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B+
"Girl On Fire (Inferno Remix)" by Alicia Keys featuring Nicki Minaj
Oh look, another shit collaboration from the VMAs. It's kind of funny/sad that after the whole stupid controversy about Gabby Douglas's hair, the two superstars who make a big deal out of bringing her out onstage have straightened hair and a big blonde wig, respectively. Anyway you'd think at least hearing Nicki in a different mode from her usual animated schtick would make this work better, but no, song is just worthless in any form. How do you fuck up the Billy Squier drums? The downtempo 'Blue Light remix' may actually be worse for attempting to highlight the insipid melody and lyric.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D
"Itchin' (Remix)" by DJ Infamous featuring Future, Young Jeezy, Yo Gotti and Fabolous
One of the many big Future/Mike Will Made It records from this year, not one of their best but it's kind of a cool ominous banger. Fab tries different things with his delivery more often than people give him credit for, but this weird low key verse is a good example of why it usually doesn't work.
Best Verse: Young Jeezy
Overall Grade: C+
"Mobbin' (Remix)" by Maino featuring Busta Rhymes, Jim Jones, Gucci Mane, Yo Gotti and Trae The Truth
The original is a mediocre fake Waka song featuring a verse by Waka, which since it was by Maino it probably got played around the clock by Hot 97 at some point this year. It kinda cracks me up how this remix is precisely 50% dried up old NY rappers and 50% dried up old Southern rappers.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: C
"Plain Jane (Remix)" by Gucci Mane featuring T.I. and Rocko
The super slow bleary-eyed joint with Rocko from Trap Back earlier this year was not a favorite of mine, but the rising tide of Mike Will Made It productions is rising a lot of boats right now (right after "No Lie" and "Turn On The Lights" hit the R&B chart top 10 old songs like "Bandz A Make Her Dance" and "Way Too Gone" started rising). So Gucci threw a T.I. verse on this and made a video, but it's all not very good.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: C
"Pride N Joy (Remix)" by Fat Joe featuring Ashanti, Trey Songz, Pusha T and Miguel
The original was one of those bloated pointless Kanye West guest fests where you can barely even hear half the people credited on the song. The remix at least improves it slightly by letting Miguel actually sing, instead of shouting a few words through AutoTune, and removes the grating gang shout chorus, emphasizing the slow jam feel of the track.
Best verse: Ashanti
Overall Grade: B-
"Put It Down (Remix)" by Brandy featuring 2 Chainz and Tyga
I don't really understand the appeal of this song in general, but subtracting Chris Brown and adding 2 Chainz is at least an improvement. Tyga is super gross with his bondage talk, though.
Best Verse: 2 Chainz
Overall Grade: C+
"Rooster In My Rari (Remix)" by Waka Flocka Flame featuring 2 Chainz and Gucci Mane
This was one of my favorite songs on Triple F Life, which I still maintain is better than its reputation suggests. Remix is pretty anticlimactic, though, Gucci's voice is really boring and basic, especially after listening to him steal that "Mobbin'" remix.
Best Verse: 2 Chainz
Overall Grade: C+
"Slow Down (Remix)" by Clyde Carson featuring Gucci Mane, E-40, The Game and Dom Kennedy
I'm not really up on what's going on in the Bay these days besides those new E-40 albums, and he drops so many of those a year now that it doesn't leave me much of a hunger to hear more, even though those are really good. But this song's alright, I can kinda see why it's a hit but it's not killing me or anything. 40 jumping on it definitely makes it more listenable to me, and there's a reassuringly good Gucci verse. Game is hilarious and sad as usual.
Best Verse: Gucci Mane
Overall Grade: B
"Triumphant (Get 'Em) (Pulse Club Remix) / (Vintage Throwback Remix)" by Mariah Carey
The original "Triumphant" sounds like a remix with Rick Ross and Meek Mill crowding Mariah's space, while the actual remixes are Mariah solo tracks. "Pulse Club" sounds like an awkward and outdated attempt at falling in with dance pop trends, which is a shame because Mariah should be able to catch up to that stuff and do it as well as anyone else. "Vintage Throwback," meanwhile, is weirdly titled and probably the most current-sounding of all 3 versions, and not really vintage in any clear way.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D / B
"Turn On The Lights (Remix)" by Future featuring Lil Wayne
High profile rappers have generally been pretty well behaved throughout this Frank Ocean thing the last few months, and then Wayne had to go and ruin it with that "no Frank Ocean, I'm straight" line, in a song that also features the line "he gayer than a stylist." So fuck him, this remix is bullshit anyway since the whole appeal of Future's AutoTune ballads is that he's working in a unique new style that's distinct from the comparable things Wayne was doing a few years ago.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F
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on Tuesday, October 02, 2012 at 10:42 AM.
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