The 2013 Remix Report Card, Vol. 4























"Bad (Remix)" by Wale featuring Rihanna / "Bad (OG)" by Tiara Thomas
"Bad" has had kind of a weird path to these two new versions released this week -- first, Tiara Thomas released "Bad" as a great solo track to little notice. Then, Wale added verses to it and made it his single and it blew up. Then Rihanna, the biggest star whose voice most resembles Tiara Thomas's, jumped on the official remix, at the same time that Thomas signed a major label deal (not with Wale's camp), and released a new solo version of "Bad" that's different from the pre-Wale original. The Rihanna version is OK, adds some "Loveeeeeee Song"-style synths that almost make it kind of a mashup of her current hit with Wale's, but again, Rihanna's voice and delivery are so close to the original that it's a little superfluous. Even Wale basically just spits the same verses as before, but in a slightly different take with Rihanna jumping in. I applaud Thomas for pushing her own version, but this new one is just not as good as the original by a long shot, the changes to the beat and even the guitar riff just don't hit the spot.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B- / C

"Bitch, Don't Kill My Vibe (International Remix)" by Kendrick Lamar featuring Emeli Sande
After the big event Jay-Z remix, this is really pretty pointless, and just repeats the Kendrick verses from the album version with an obnoxious new hook. Mostly it just reminds me of that terrible-sounding Lady Gaga version of the song that almost ended up being on the album.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D

"Body Party (Remix)" by Ciara featuring Future and B.o.B
Man, what kinda awkward-ass remix is this? Future does a proper guest spot after writing and doing some backup vocals on the original, and even opens the track saying "it's just me and you." But instead of it just being a duet with his boo, B.o.B comes in as a third wheel? Who thought that was a good idea? Bringing the track up to Ghost Town DJs tempo is pretty obvious, but it works.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B

"Crazy Kids (Remix)" by Ke$ha featuring will.i.am / Juicy J / Pitbull
Ke$ha's latest single had no guest rapper on the album version, but has been released in three different versions with guest rappers, leading to the amusing Billboard chart entry for the song that says "featuring will.i.am or Juicy J." The will.i.am verse is pretty stupidly entertaining for the way he mumbles the last bar or two, but I kinda like hearing Juicy J on pop tracks more now than a few years ago when Three 6 was doing that sketchy "Lolli Lolli" shit. But you really have to hear the Pitbull one just for his opening couple bars about mustard and ketchup. His verse is pretty wonderfully shameless, too. 
Best Verse: Pitbull
Overall Grade: C / C / C+ 

"I Hit It First (Remix)" by Ray J featuring Uncle Murda, Dorrough, Clyde Carson and Uiiee Popcorn Man
Just the existence of this song is funny. Add to that this hilarity of there being a random grab bag posse cut remix featuring NYC gangsta rap also-ran Uncle Murda, one hit wonder Dorrough of "Ice Cream Paint Job Fame," nu-Bay rapper Clyde Carson, and someone named Uiiee Popcorn Man... But when I actually heard Uncle Murda's verse on this, I was nearly in tears, I swear: "Ray J a fool for this one/ Kanye ain't gon' be cool with this one (you know Kanye!)/ Ray said this ain't about Kim K/ Everybody know this record bout Kim K (everybody!)/ The video girl look like Kim K (ahhhhh!)/ I'm waitin' to hear a response from Kanye (can't wait!)."
Best Verse: Uncle Murda
Overall Grade: B+

"Karate Chop (Remix)" by Future featuring French Montana, Birdman and Rick Ross
Pity poor Casino, man. His verse on the original "Karate Chop" was so bad that even when Lil Wayne replaced him on the first remix with one of the most offensive lyrics in rap history, nobody once suggested putting Casino back on the record. And now we've got a pile-on of more people who aren't Casino, none of whom are remotely qualified to toy with Future's flow on this song. In a way I respect Birdman most for not really bothering with it and mostly rapping in a more rhythmically straightforward flow.
Best Verse: Birdman
Overall Grade: C

"Money Dance" by King L featuring Yo Gotti and French Montana
I don't follow the new Chicago rap wave that much, but I like King L, "Val Venis" was dope. This record I'm not as into, but it has potential, would be kind of a shame if it went national with such mediocre guests. French is even worse than usual here.
Best Verse: King L
Overall Grade: D

"Tonight I'm Getting Over You (Remix)" by Carly Rae Jepsen featuring Nicki Minaj
She's already since moved on to pushing a stupid new single, but as recently as a month ago Carly Rae's label was still desperately trying for the love of Carly Rae J to make something on her album besides "Call Me Maybe" and the Owl City joint pop off. I never really liked this song, and the millionth identical Nicki verse doesn't really help.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C

"Twerk It (Remix)" by Busta Rhymes featuring Nicki Minaj
For the last couple weeks I've been kind of on the fence about whether I love or hate "Twerk It," still not really sure, but I kind of appreciate it for what it is, it's kind of a singular record but feels very of the moment. Which, hey, at Busta's age, good for him. But it almost feels like a step back to throw Nicki on the track, since it's such an on-the-nose choice to put her on a wacky twerking-themed song full of Caribbean patois. In fact, I kind of expected her to take the song over completely in the tradition of "Dance (A$$)," but her verse is actually really awkward and forgettable. Hopefully this remix doesn't take the place of the original in anyone's rotation.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F

"Work (Remix)" by A$AP Ferg featuring A$AP Rocky, French Montana, Trinidad James and ScHoolboy Q
Ferg is terrible on the original "Work," so I will give him a lot of credit for going in and recording a new verse to open the remix that is actually a total improvement. French is hilarious for basically admitting that he bit his most famous ad lib: "HAHHH...That ain't Kanye/ That's Montana." ScHoolboy Q is probably my least favorite rapper in the game that people seem to respect, I don't really hear any talent there when he raps and there's something really off-putting about his whole personality.
Best Verse: A$AP Ferg
Overall Grade: B-
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