The 2008 Remix Report Card, Vol. 6

"A Milli (Remix)" by Lil Wayne
When I was out of the country for a couple weeks recently, I left back when "A Milli" seemed to be regarded as just another Wayne song, and a kind of underwhelming choice for a street single off Carter III. By the time I got back, the song had taken over, getting daytime radio play and becoming the most popular default freestyle beat for every rapper in the world since "I Get Money," to the point that there were a ton of trend pieces comparing the various versions of the track. I still don't totally understand it. It's certainly better than most of Wayne's most massively overrated songs ("Shooter," "I Feel Like Dying," "Georgia Bush") etc. but it's not that great, and Shondrae has made much better beats. But anyway I'm not gonna talk about the scores of unofficial remixes, just the one by Wayne himself, which I enjoy because it's a little loose but he sounds genuinely happy and thankful about his record sales, which makes sense since he released this like the day after the sales figures came out. I also kind of like the way he switches up his annoying "remix baby" catchphrase and says it in a relatively subdued way.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B+

"Addiction (Remix)" by Ryan Leslie featuring Fabolous & Cassie
I love this song, just sick production, but I never really thought about this needing a rap verse. Fab is my favorite R&B thug of all time, though, so he rips it with his usual ignorant punchlines ("they say that white Phantom look so cocaine/ and I hop out the suicides lookin' so Cobaine").
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B-

"Ain't Sayin' Nothin' (Remix)" by Fat Joe featuring Lil Wayne and The Game
I thought maybe Fat Joe's new independent deal didn't give him the budget for more than one single per album after he didn't even drop a follow-up to a song as big as "Make It Rain," but he mustered up a 2nd single this time around, and it really wasn't enough of a hit to justify a remix. Maybe Joe gets a discount on Wayne verses. This is probably the best song Cool & Dre have done in the past couple years, and it's still kinda lousy. The weird accent Game uses on his verse (is it supposed to be Southern?) is goofy as hell but his verse works, strangely enough, and he contributes the only memorable part of the remix, that weird little bridge before Fat Joe's verse. Funny how Joe's "Young Buck tellin' me he wanna be a friend to me" line already has some foreshadowing to it. Plies actually sounded better on the original than any of these guys, smh.
Best Verse: The Game
Overall Grade: C+

"American Boy (Remix)" by Estelle featuring Busta Rhymes
I never really thought about whether this song would have a remix or who I'd wanna hear on it, but Busta Rhymes definitely wouldn't have occurred to me. Since Estelle supposedly rapped before she sang, though, I would've liked to hear her rip a verse on the remix. Busta took too many steroids before recording this to have the right vibe for such a light song.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C

"Bye Bye (Remix)" by Mariah Carey featuring Akon and Lil Wayne
Last month, I wrote up an official remix with Jay-Z, but "Bye Bye" has been flopping so hard that I guess Mariah's camp got desperate and decided to remix it again. Wayne sounds relatively restrained and sincere here, like he's so afraid of making some ridiculous profane punchline on a song like this that he just holds back and talks very slowly and speaks in nothing but vague platitudes, but his verse is no "I Miss My Dawgs" or anything. I used to like Akon a lot more back when he always sounded inconsolably sad on "Locked Up" and "Soul Survivor," but now after the onslaught of smug club jams I don't even wanna hear him sounding sad anymore.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D

"Clumsy (Collipark Remix)" by Fergie featuring Soulja Boy
I missed this a few months ago but wanted to go back and include it for archival purposes. I loved the original "Clumsy" and have a long history of going nuts over Mr. Collipark's remixes, but this doesn't quite live up to my lofty expectations. It is nice, though, and I like how the distorted bits of Fergie's vocals from the original stay intact on the very different new beat.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C+

"Donk (Remix)" by Soulja Boy featuring Yung Joc
I kinda like this song, weird disorienting beat. And when the basis of comparison is Soulja Boy, Yung Joc sounds kinda good.
Best Verse: Yung Joc
Overall Grade: B

"Don't Touch Me (Throw Da Water On 'Em) (Remix)" by Busta Rhymes featuring Reek Da Villian, Spliff Star, The Game, Lil' Wayne, Nas and Big Daddy Kane
Busta's (literal) weed carriers Spliff Star and Reek Da Villain go in and justify their spots along the big stars, meanwhile Game comes close to embarrassing. Of the A list, though, Nas is surprisingly the one who keeps up the best. It's kinda depressing to hear Big Daddy Kane on here, not because he's lousy on it but they probably shouldn't've brought him back on this unless he absolutely killed it. The song was really just fine as it was on the original, one instance where the remix really just does it no favors.
Best Verse: Reek Da Villain
Overall Grade: B

"Drivin' Down The Block (Remix)" by Kidz In The Hall featuring Bun B, Pusha T and the Cool Kids
Two hipster rap groups along with two of the most hipster-friendly MCs to have ever gotten mainstream rap money, doing one of those groups' big faux-mainstream single. Bun will rap over any damn thing, and here he upstages everyone effortlessly the way he used to on every remix back in '04.
Best Verse: Bun B
Overall Grade: C+

"Everyone Nose (Remix)" by N.E.R.D. featuring CRS and Pusha T
I could scarcely get my head around the goofy-ass original, much less this remix. Kanye opens with the cheesiest line all time, and actually flubs it ("do you have black inside you" kinda telegraphs the joke as opposed to if he said "do you have any black in you"). Lupe thinks he's clever for putting the word "high" in every line but fails at even the most basic of wordplay. Pusha T thinks he can do doubletime, which is quaint. Pharrell sounds the most ridiculous on it, which in this context means he wins.
Best Verse: Pharrell
Overall Grade: D

"Foolish (Remix)" by Shawty Lo featuring DJ Khaled, Rick Ross, Jim Jones and Baby
Shawty Lo releasing "Dunn Dunn" as his 2nd single instead of this was the biggest flub since, well, Janet Jackson released "Rock With U" as her 2nd single instead of "Luv." But at least he's making up for it now by doing a big remix with a video, not that I actually wish Shawty Lo any amount of success. This is pretty underwhelming, considering I like the original a lot, though. The amazing thing about this remix is that it has four pretty famous rappers on it, and not a single one of them is a decent MC. Usually you get at least one guy with talent on these things. The way Ross brags about topping Snoop on the charts comes off as kind of mean, if you ask me. Baby wins by default for having the balls to borrow Wayne's autotune for his verse.
Best Verse: Baby
Overall Grade: C-

"Game's Pain (Mega Remix)" by The Game featuring featuring Jadakiss, Bun B, Pusha T, Fat Joe, Young Buck, Queen Latifah, and Keyshia Cole
Apparently there's going to be 3 regional remixes for this in July, but almost all the guests from those are on this (except E-40 and Ice Cube from the West coast remix), so I dunno if I'll bother writing about those when they drop. I guess it's cute to remix a song w/ Keyshia on it and sample "Juicy"/"Juicy Fruit" a year after "Let It Go," but it feels like overkill to me, but then, at least Game didn't put as many guests as he did on the "One Blood" remix. For some reason at the end Queen Latifah comes on, singing "last night Latifah saved my life" and it's obnoxious as hell. Bun B does the best verse within Game's history lesson/namedropping format.
Best Verse: Bun B
Overall Grade: C

"Get Silly (Remix)" by V.I.C. featuring Soulja Boy, Bun B, E-40, Pitbull, Polow Da Don, JD, Arab, DJ Unk, Big Kuntry King and Tech
Last year Kia Shine made an epic 6-minute remix for his minor hit "Krispy" with a competely bizarre assemblage of seemingly anyone who'd consent to appear on it, and that seems to be the formula V.I.C. is using for his barely-hit here. Polow says "Christina Milli, you lookin' pretty" like he's finna steal Cool & Dre's girl just like he stole their production work. It's kinda funny how Soulja Boy's "you are a prisoner behind these 8 bars" acknowledges how short his verse. I have no idea who's rapping in a hilarious British accent at the end, I guess it's Tech? They really succeed in getting silly, whoever it is! I miss when Pitbull had enough of a career to appear on bigger songs than this.
Best Verse: Pitbull
Overall Grade: C

"I Luv Your Girl (Remix)" by The-Dream featuring Young Jeezy
It feels like noone involved in this remix or the video for it has actually listened to the song. It's this dinky little anemic beat, but they got Jeezy blaring a guest verse and a laser light show video like Usher's "Yeah!" and the combination just comes off completely ridiculous.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: F

"If I Never See Your Face Again (Remix)" by Maroon 5 featuring Rihanna
This was by far the best song other than "Makes Me Wonder" on the Maroon 5 album, so I was glad that they finally made it a single after 2 lousy follow-up choices, even if I didn't totally understand turning it into a duet. It works, more or less, though, with Rihanna finally becoming a halfway decent R&B vocalist these days.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B+

"I'll Be Lovin' You A Long Time (Remix)" by Mariah Carey featuring T.I.
Boring song, T.I. doesn't really add anything. This'll be another one that keeps Mariah from getting that one more #1 she's after.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C

"Leavin' (Remix)" by Jesse McCartney featuring Baby Bash
Love the original, but this smooths out the awesome beat and makes it more generic, and adds the most boring possible pop rapper. Still works alright because the song is dope, though.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: B-

"Lollipop (Remix)" by Lil Wayne featuring Kanye West and Static Major
Kanye comes and sticks to the food/sex metaphors for like two lines before making it all about his career like usual, getting paranoid about Wayne killing him on the song (which he does), and ends hollering "the best in the wooooorld" and muttering "lollipop" in the background like he just barely remembers what song he's on. I love some of the stuff Wayne does on his second verse (the "Pink Cookies" reference, the skidmarks punchline, the apparently sincere safe sex bit), but that first verse is classic just for "greedy mother fudge cake."
Best Verse: Lil Wayne's first verse
Overall Grade: D

"Lookin' Boy (Remix)" by Hot Stylz featuring R. Kelly and Yung Joc
I'm not totally sure if this is an official remix or Kells just added a new verse, but it still takes a good thing and makes it better. "You remind me of my FEET lookin' girl" = all-time classic.
Best Verse:
Overall Grade: B+

"Love In This Club (Remix)" by Usher featuring T.I. and Young Jeezy
I already wrote about the "Part II" version with Beyonce and Lil Wayne that came out after Tip's version, but I didn't realize before that this is also an official remix, since it's included as a bonus track on some editions of Here I Stand, so I gotta include it here just for archival purposes. Probably the least memorable verse T.I. has dropped since his little comeback in the last few months, and everything else is the same as the original song, zzz.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: C

"Mercy (Remix)" by Duffy featuring The Game
This doesn't get a F just on the basis of the entertainment value of this terrible rapper jumping on this terrible, terrible song. Cool & Dre continue their unbroken streak of producing nothing but garbage in 2008.
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: D

"Teenage Love Affair (Swizz Beatz Remix)" by Alicia Keys featuring LL Cool J
It's interesting how Alicia got her retro wires all crossed with this song: on the original, the sample is from 1972 and the whole thing pretty much follows that vibe. But since the song was picked as a single, all the signifiers have been straight out of 1987 or 1988: the School Daze homage of the video, the remix with LL rapping lines from "I Need Love" over a sample of "Teenage Love." It would've been nice to have Slick Rick on this too or instead, but LL makes it work and the verses sound really pretty over the new beat. I'm loving this little streak of golden age sampling remixes that Swizz Beatz seems to be on between this and the Chubb Rock jack with Mary J., people always seem to forget that Swizz can do sample beats as well as anybody until he drops something dope like this or "Dr. Carter."
Best Verse: n/a
Overall Grade: A-

"That Go (Remix)" by Keek Da Sneak featuring Prodigy and Alchemist
Kind of awesome to hear this weird missing link between hyphy at its weirdest and QB rap at its spookiest, a coast-to-coast collab that doesn't sound forced in the slightest.
Best Verse: Prodigy
Overall Grade: B+
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The only thing i'd really give credit for to "I Luv Your Girl" or whatever its called is that Jeezy says "Free Big Meech" on it. Which is pretty bizarre to hear on an R n B song.
 
"But at least he's making up for it now by doing a big remix with a video, not that I actually wish Shawty Lo any amount of success."

big lols at this. as i said on ilm i think, i think it should be written into law somewhere that every birdman verse be rapped into autotune cuz it makes him like a hundred times more interesting than normal.

"get silly" is my shit-- v.i.c. can actually rap which is like the most mindblowing thing ever, the "forget a rubberband/ cuz you can't put a rubberband around a milli-an" line is so great-- so it's cool that this got a decent remix. funny to hear bun b rapping about how the south is bigger than ringtones over the most (only?) successful snap song/classically "ringtone" song of the year. i wouldn't mind v.i.c. becoming the new fabo or something though. might check his album whenever it comes out. he does the whisper vocal thing way better than shawty lo fwiw.

been getting excited about soulja boy lately for some reason. got some good joints w/ gucci mane and yo gotti (idk if you fuck with these dudes or not) on his last mixtape and i def wouldn't be mad at his continued relevance as a producer.
 
V.I.C. really creeps me out, that voice and those weird facial expressions, the fact that he's over 21 and making those kinds of songs. I could see Soulja Boy becoming a dependable producer, I kinda like all that bombastic shit with the orch hits.
 
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