The following is a recent mass email/MySpace bulletin from Josh that I felt compelled to reprint with permission here. -Al

When or if you received my text message last night where I made the bold statement “Batman & Robin is the best batman movie” you must’ve thought I was on drugs and just making an outlandish statement for the sake of making an outlandish statement. While I do like making outlandish statements I don’t truly believe, I stand by what I said.

When you said at champagne brunch that “Batman” needs to be revisited as an adult to be appreciated I was intrigued and thought yes I should watch that again.

I discovered though, the strange voyage of the Batman franchise can be best enjoyed through the prism of watching Batman Begins followed by Batman & Robin.

a) George Clooney is a fantastic Batman, not because he’s perfect for the archetypical “Batman” character, but rather for his portrayal of Batman in B&R. Batman in B&R is bored, jaded & enjoying the spoils of being a playboy. This Batman stuff is old to him. No more one man vigilante taking back the city. He’s recruiting kids to join him on his escapades and has them do the heavy lifting.

b) The cast: George Clooney, Uma Thurman – this should’ve sunk their careers, but they survived unscathed (for obvious reasons – Clooney is the most charming man on Earth, and Uma has Quintin Tarantino). Chris O’Donnell, Alicia Silverstone – megafailures. They have no right to share the screen with Clooney & Thurman. Then throw in Schwarzenegger. He’s the fucking Governor of California right now. His opponents should’ve chopped this movie up for campaign commercials and surely no one would’ve taken him seriously enough to get elected.

c) Schwarzenegger – He plays Dr. Freeze as if people demanded a reprise of his character from Last Action Hero. Its jarring at first. But everything that comes out of his mouth is a pun that refers to being cold. After he shoots one of his goons for interrupting him while he’s watching something, he turns to the screen and tells us “I Ate When Peepul Tawk During Deh Moo-vee”

d) Said Goon, and & “the man at the airport” are the only 2 people who die during the entire movie. In fact people generally are never in peril in this film. It is very hard to think of any other movie, any genre, that has a lower body count.

e) At one point Bruce Wayne & Robin are arguing because Poison Ivy has Robins head all mixed up that he should get a larger piece of the glory. At the end of his last point in the argument, Clooney throws in a (you) DICK This is jarring because its so out of the character of the movie, you think to yourself is Robins name Dick?* Nope, Clooney, just ad libbed calling Robin a dick. Amazing.

f) Dr. Freeze’s wife is being kept alive in some water chamber until some disease she and Alfred has can be cured. Poison Ivy unplugs her and kills her. She then tells Dr. Freeze Batman did it. She then tells Dr. Freeze they should team up to destroy Batman, no not just Batman, but the society that created him!
DR. FREEZE: YOUR WIFE BEING KILLED JUST FOR KICKS. DOES THAT SOUND LIKE THE WORK OF BATMAN, OR THE MANIACAL WOMAN THAT HAS COME OUT OF NOWHERE THAT TALKS FUNNY AND WALKS AROUND WITH A GOON WITH A HEAD CONSTANTLY BEING PUMPED FULL OF STERIODS?

g) Said Goon, BANE, with the head being pumped with steroids. It is being pumped in via thin rubber tubes outside his enormous body suits. How does Batman defeat him? He simply pulls those thin tubes out.

h) In Batman, the joker becomes the joker because Batman drops him into a vat of acid, in Batman & Robin when Robin starts fighting with Batman because he’s under Poison Ivy’s spell, Robin gets dropped into a vat of ice cream.

i) In Batman Begins & Batman, Batman is as much an Enemy to the police as the bad guys. In Batman & Robin, I am pretty sure he’s on the police force’s payroll as a consultant. When Poison Ivy, Bane and Dr. Freeze get away during the big fight in the middle. The Commissioner busts in is like “What the fuck!? Way to go Batman” Meanwhile, this fight scene last like 15 minutes. Were the cops outside just watching saying “well, let’s just let these clowns in the ridiculous costumes fight it out amongst themselves” And why wouldn’t they. Its not like anybody had any guns, like I said earlier, nobody is ever EVER in any peril at any point during this movie.

j) At a later crime scene, Batman & Robin shows up in costume and starts reviewing the evidence with the police. Watching Clooney and O’Donnell walk around and talk with people all normally in these ridiculous outfits is a sight to behold. Especially in contrast to Batman Begins, where you would never see Batman just stand around in his costume around a bunch people, no less a well lit public space.

k) By the way, Robin’s outfit doesn’t really hide his identity. He just has some shit wrapping around his eyes, that are like sunglasses, but since you can see his eyes I’m guessing it would be pretty easy to recognize him on the street.

l) The Bat Signal: This goes for all the movies I suppose, but when there’s trouble does he just go to center of the city and wait? Does he go to the police station to get orders from the chief? What are the chances he will be looking into the sky when they shoot it up? Does he have to make sure to check the sky every 15 minutes if the bat signal is up? What if it’s a clear night and it doesn’t have a cloud to reflect the sign off of and it just looks like a regular spotlight? The Bat Signal is cute, but completely & utterly useless and impractical.

m) There are stupid bat-logos on everything, and then there’s robin logos, and then batgirl logos. I mean obviously Alfred has a metal shop in the basement and has the strength of a 1600’s blacksmith. But in this movie Alfred is dying. Who made all that shit? Its not exactly the kinda thing you can outsource, since you risk giving up your secret identity for something extremely, and I mean EXTREMELY trite. Like the monks in the beginning of Batman Begins, is creating all your huge metal logos like a test of your will and dedication for Robin and Batgirl.

n) For the final big fight scene, Batman, Robin, and Batgirl all have special black and silver costumes. Aside from the hot new color schemes there’s no indication these suits have any special features designed to assist them in fighting in the cold environs of Dr. Freeze’s lair.

o) Continuing with some thoughts on the big final scene, but not chronologically, Batman, Robin, and Batgirl are falling to their deaths when batman shoots his grappling hook through the ceiling. It’s a frozen incredible thin ceiling and the grappling hook busts a big hole through it. It’s not like its busts through like a thin missle and then expands. It just busts a big hole and latches on to it. Either a) it would go through the hole and the would continuing falling or b) it would lose its grip on the ceiling in a second and they would continue falling. To their death.

p) I don’t think theirs an apt comparison to how Uma as Poison Ivy talks, but its fucking ridiculous. Like Zsa Zsa Gabor doing Shakespeare ….or Mel Brooks.

q) Poison Ivy’s dust that makes guys fall in love with her and become completely under her spell. The massive pink dust lines that cloud the head and go right up their nose – that’s just metaphorical right? The characters can’t actually see that, right???

r) Poison Ivy and Bane bust Dr. Freeze out of prison. They have absolutely no trouble getting in, Bane is wrecking like 20 guards at a time, and then when they are all together in Dr. Freeze’s cell, they panic. Oh no! Guards! Um. You had no trouble with them 5 minutes ago. Poison Ivy – blow some fairy dust on em and Bane can stompdashitoutdem. Instead they bust a hole in the prison and jump many many many many stories down to the water. (where they’d probably die on impact)

s) Finally, Dr. Freeze’s big plot is to cover Gotham city in Ice. His plans to do this is to take this great new Telescope that all of Gotham is very excited about (Bruce Wayne is at the Gala celebrating its completion!). Take the great new Telescope, put some crystals under it, and then coordinate satellites in space to power it up to shoot ice all over the city. From the telescope. Basically, he applied the principle of killing ants with a magnifying glass and applied it to a telescope. To shoot? Ice? Where’s the water coming from? The satellites in space?

t) So the city is covered in Ice. Big deal. Wait til morning when the sun comes up. Batman instead decides to reprogram the satellites, and the telescope (?) to shoot a heat ray to thaw the ice. Frankly that seems very dangerous. It’s a thin line between dethawing and being burnt to a crisp.

u) The most remarkable part of that scene is how Batman is able to pull all this off. With zero prep time. He was at the party. He didn’t come into that with a plan… at all. He looks so fucking bored in this scene, and its wonderful

v) Batman has Dr. Freeze on the ropes, and informs him that he didn’t kill his wife. To prove this, Batman pulls out some video of Poison Ivy telling Batgirl she’ll “KILL HER LIKE I KILLED NORA FREEZE!” while they were fighting... So Batman was just standing there filming their fight? Think about it – Batman is so jaded, instead of fighting evil he’d rather film two chicks fighting. George Clooney is so cool.

w) Sometime in the beginning or end of this scene Batman is rolling in what can only be described as an Iceplane. Was it worth the millions of dollars in construction and development to use it that one and only time it could come in handy. I mean, I’m sure Batman would’ve been fine without it.

x) Sometime in the middle of the film Robin and Batgirl participate in some Mad Max style Bike race. Theres pyrotechnics everywhere, everybody has on a wonderfully elaborate costume – the logistics of pulling off that kinda party must’ve been hair-raising! Kudos to the organizers!

y) Dr. Freeze has seemingly limitless goons – but we never see them before they go into battle, and I find it hard to believe that Dr. Freeze can gain the allegiance of any man on this planet. Leadership is a skill.

z) So as mentioned above Batman tries to talk Dr. Freeze into giving him the cure to Alfred’s disease after proving to him he didn’t kill his wife. Well Dr. Freeze does just that, gives him the cure. Dr. Freeze loses all of his leverage. So what does Batman do? He lets him free and Dr. Freeze puts back on his costume, which gives him all his powers so he can go get Poison Ivy. Get, not kill, because we know only “the man at the airport” that is spoken about so often is the only person that dies during this movie. I said two people died earlier, but I’m pretty sure the goon I was referring to Dr. Freeze killing, was only frozen temporarily.

The most important thing to remember about Batman & Robin is that the total body count is: 1.

And that’s just hearsay. He probably pulled through at the hospital.

*(editor's note: I've been informed Robin's name is in fact Dick Grayson, but really it seems like Clooney is just calling him a dick)

Labels: comedy, lists

Bono on Leonard Cohen:

"He's a sexy man who made sexy music...Any question that I've wanted to ask, I've found in his mouth first."

Labels: comedy, links

The above phrase is reportedly the new city slogan that Baltimore paid a half million to create and will unveil this week, so, uh, get used to looking at it. Considering the city's current housing boom and rising cultural currency (thanks to things like Bmore club music and The Wire), it's kind of an appropriate choice, but still, you really can't help but shake your head. John Waters, ever the resident voice of reason, translates: "What they're saying is, come celebrate real estate porn." But hey, at least it's too vague to be as laughable as previous park bench eyesores such as "The Greatest City In America" (which, as much as I love Baltimore, is hyperbolic to say the least) and "The City That Reads." The BELIEVE movement is still going strong, but I guess that's more of a campaign than a slogan. But let us not forget that, as C Love recently pointed out, "Charm City" was similarly coined by an advertising firm in the '70s, and that one has stuck around resiliently over the years, even if these days you're just as likely to hear the less flattering variation, "Harm City" (or for that matter, "Bodymore, Murdaland," "Bmore Careful," etc.). One interesting thing about that Sun article is that someone actually tries to blame David Simon's TV shows for Baltimore's bad image, as if a show as deeply steeped in real life and true stories as Homicide or The Wire is more responsible for that perception than, well, reality, on some real chicken/egg shit. But until the murder rate drops, I think city hall's gonna have to live with the fact that no upbeat catchphrase they come up with is gonna be as pervasive a t-shirt slogan as "Stop Snitchin'."

Labels: comedy

The two best laughs I've gotten out of the internet lately: this and this

Labels: comedy, links

1. The New Adventures of Old Christine
I had pretty low expectations for this, considering the undistinguished history of new shows starring Seinfeld alumni, especially since CBS tossed it out as a mid-season replacement, not even really in the middle season but in fucking March, which seems like a serious vote of no confidence. But this is actually pretty promising! Julia Louis-Dreyfuss's character has a lot of her usual mannerisms but isn't overly Elaine-esque, and the territory of divorce humor they're charting isn't too played out. And I like that the New Christine is kind of a normal 30something, and not an exaggerated trophy wife type, it makes the premise a little more believable. Andy Richter had a great cameo in a couple episodes, although a few episodes in when Wanda Sykes suddenly showed up as her best friend, it seemed like it was just to appease network notes demanding a sassy black friend. The ex-husband is played by Clark Gregg, who I've always liked despite him usually playing smarmy corporate types in movies like Hoot and In Good Company. He was also the guy in the last 2 episodes of Sports NIght who bought the network, and I always kinda wished I could see a 3rd season with him in the cast. Anyway, I kinda hope Old Christine makes it to the fall schedule, could turn out well. And at the moment, CBS Monday night is actually maybe the most solid 2-hour block of network comedy in a long time, maybe since NBC Thursdays' golden era. How I Met Your Mother is easily my favorite sitcom on TV right now, and King Of Queens and 2 And A Half Men are better than they're given credit for.

2. Yo Momma
I've had a couple conversations with people lately about how appallingly bad this show is even by the standards of MTV's usual attempts at comedies and game shows. I mean, trying to turn "yo momma" jokes into some kind of gritty 8 Mile-style competition with racially diverse crowds cheering the participants on is sketchy enough as a premise, but even the execution is pretty lacklaster, especially because Wilmer Valderrama is shockingly ineffectual host. As much as I loathe Punk'd and the way Ashton Kutcher hosts it, he at least has the obnoxious energy that MTV loves, while Valderrama has that mumbly, deer-in-the-headlights persona that you usually only get for long stretches of time on television when SNL decides to let a professional athlete host an episode. He makes it hard to believe that this guy is a professional actor who's usually pretty funny when in character, let alone the kind of pimp who's been romantically linked with every other starlet in Hollywood.

3. The Showbiz Show With David Spade
I thought I was sick and tired of basic cable shows with nonstop quipping about pop culture news, but I think I'm just sick and tired of Best Week Ever, because shows like this and The Soup are way better just for having an actual writing staff and a host instead of a dozen C-list comics ad libbing badly. Plus Spade kind of started that whole smartassing-about-celebrities school of humor with the Hollywood Minute, so he might as well get his own show in the format. My favorite bit is probably "couch trip," where they show a celeb repeating themselves in different interviews, so far the best one was a montage of Robin Williams making the same Brokeback Mountain jokes over and over, which was just frightening. The most fascinating thing about the show lately, though, is the fact that Spade himself has been implicated in the whole Heather Locklear/Richie Sambora/Denise Richards/Charlie Sheen scandal, and that they've actually done some funny bits about it. Also, it was pretty funny when they had Kid Rock parody his own sex tape.

4. South Park
Those episodes about Family Guy may have ruined FG for me forever. Or at least, I won't be able to watch it for a while without saying "You think that's bad!? What abou the time I was David Hasselhoff's car!?", etc. I love how explicit and ballsy it was compared to all of The Simpsons' half-assed little jabs.

5. Mad About You
Should I be embarrassed that I'm kind of nostalgic for this show? I go through phases where I'll watch certain syndicated old shows a lot for a month or two until I get sick of it again, and lately I've been catching this on Nick At Nite pretty often. It was definitely kind of an inconsistent show, and there are entire episodes where everyone seems to act out of character, and it's weird seeing the first season where there was a guy named Selby instead of cousin Ira, but when it was good, it was a pretty funny show. Also, Mad About You Aliens is classic.

6. VSpot Top 20 Countdown
VH1's old video countdown always had pretty boring hosts, and you could never really trust their rankings since it was one of those vague 'we base the lists on a variety of factors' deals which basically means the network gets to make up the list. So it's cool that they revamped it to be based entirely on viewer votes, and got Matt Pinfield to host. Even if his music trivia encyclopedia schtick is no longer as impressive as it was when I was a 13-year-old staying up late every Sunday to watch 120 Minutes, I still kind of like seeing him on TV.

Labels: comedy, TV, TV Diary, video

1. Ice Age: The Meltdown
Last week I tried to go to an advance screening for some movie called Hoot for the City Paper, but it was so advanced that the theater didn't have a reel of it and were presenting it via sattelite, and had a bunch of technical problems. They started the movie 45 minutes late and even then said you might not be able to see the ending, so I said screw it and decided to catch a later screening. But the theater felt bad and was throwing free tickets at people to make them feel better. So the next night, I was able to take J.G. to this for free, so it wasn't a total waste. The first Ice Age is easily my favorite non-Pixar digitally animated feature, so I was kinda looking forward to this. The Wile E. Coyote-style extreme slapstick of the scenes with Scrat are still by far the funniest parts, and sometimes the actual plot with the main characters dragged a little, but it was still almost as good as the original. I wouldn't mind seeing more sequels.

2. The Gong Show Movie
I was somewhat shocked to learn that a full 22 years before Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind, there was already a movie about Chuck Barris that blurred the line between fact and fiction. In fact this might be the most bizarre idea for a movie adapted from a TV show ever, with Barris basically directing himself playing himself as the put-upon host who has to deal with people with crazy talents coming up to him all the time on the street trying to get on the Gong Show, with a lot of odd dramatic interludes although basically no plot. And a young Taylor Negron in a small, uncredited role. If nothing else, watching this movie affirmed for me that comparisons of the American Idol auditions to the Gong Show are perfectly apt.

3. Dig!
Man, this was hard to watch, partly because I identify with the inevitable failure of shitty rock bands far too much. Plus I don't like the music by either of the subjects of the movie, save for maybe the Veronica Mars theme song. It really is a pretty amazing document, though, simply because, in most rockumentaries and Behind The Music type things, there's not much actual footage of the wildest stories, but for these bands, there seemed to be a camera around for everything crazy that ever happened to them. This guy may have replaced Bam Margera as the single most annoying despicable person I've ever seen, the same kind of infuriating inability to take anything seriously and questionable facial hair, along with being one of those guys who's in a band but only ever plays tambourines and maracas and shit like that. Just watching that guy for a couple hours was exasperating, I can't imagine travelling across the country in a van with him.

4. Neighbors
Neighbors has the distinction of being the last, and perhaps least seen film in John Belushi's short career. It's also one of those movies where the 2 lead actors, Belush and Dan Aykroyd, seem to be in roles that could have just as easily been reversed, and according to the IMDb page, they actually were originally set to play the opposite roles, but then switched at the last minute. Aykroyd plays the kind of wild, unpredictable character that Belushi was best known for, and Belushi plays a straight man not unlike the ones played by Aykroyd in later films like the Great Outdoors. But Aykroyd also often did wacky, so his role isn't much of a stretch. But it is kind of odd to see Belushi as a mild-mannered suburbanite with graying temples, playing an age that, at 32, he wouldn't live to experience. He does let loose a little toward the end of the movie, though. It's one of those farcical comedies where certain characters don't seem to operate by any logic at all, to the point that by the end, even the straight man seems to be operating by no rationality, and at that point, you don't care about the plot at all. Which might be excusable were it funnier.

5. The Family Stone
I took my lady to see this and then we went to Red Lobster, a while back, while this was still in theaters but had already been out for a while. It was a little better than I expected, made good use of a big ensemble. Speaking of reversed comedic roles, Luke Wilson is good at being the straight man, but it was refreshing to see him actually be the funny guy for once, and he's good at that too. At some points the tone of the comedy became kind of cruel and shrill, with characters behaving unbelievably and the story coming to a predictable and unlikely resolution, but still, not bad. I'll probably watch it again in a year or two when it's on cable.

6. White Noise
Man, what the fuck happened to Michael Keaton? There are so many "gracefully aging" actors of his generation that still headline a new movie every couple months that I'd gladly trade in for Keaton to have a decent career. This movie probably could've done better with a good trailer, I remember it giving me no motivation to want to see the movie, but having watched it on cable, they totally could've cut together a spooky and intriguing trailer that would've made people want to see it as much as The Ring. It wasn't very good, but I did get good and creeped out watching it, partly because it's about the dead speaking through electrical signals, and my cable was acting up and making all sorts of glitches and jumps on the screen that enhanced the creepiness of it.

7. Cellular
Another one I found myself on the couch wasting an afternoon on, but it definitely surpassed my humble expectations, which were that the movie had nothing to offer beyond the premise established by the trailer. It was pretty fun, though, good plot twists and more cell-related humor than one could ask for.

8. The Apartment
A black-and-white classic that won a ton of Oscars after it was released in 1960, I'd heard good things about this for a long time and finally caught it on TV. Movies this good always make me yearn for a time from before I was born. It's a comedy, but one that plays out very carefully, revealing plot twists so subtly you never see them coming. It's weird to watch something from so long ago that Shirley Maclaine is actually kind of hot, though.

Labels: comedy, Movie Diary, movies

Something doesn't sit well with me about the whole school of comic strips that flaunt a complete lack of visual artistry to the point of using the same panels over and over and only changing the dialogue. But some of these Dinosaur Comics are pretty hilarious.

Labels: comedy, links

Jim Gaffigan - "Hot Pockets" (mp3)
Ever since his Comedy Central special aired a few weeks ago, J.G. and I have been obsessed with this bit, saying "hoooot pocket" and all the other variations (dead pocket, diarrhea pocket, flush pocket, caliente pocket) under our breath all day around the apartment. Completely stupid, but it never gets old.

Labels: comedy, mp3

A few years ago, my brother was working at a movie theatre, and he told me about how he kept seeing this car in the parking lot that was just COVERED in Queensryche bumper stickers, and he was constantly trying to figure out which one of his co-workers was the Queensryche superfan. The funniest part of the story was the "Got 'Ryche?" bumper sticker, which is even funnier now that I know that Queensryche's site sells official swag with that phrase on it.

Labels: comedy, story time

I will never look at Gatorade the same way again.

Labels: comedy, links

The other night I went to post something on one of my blogs, and this message from Blogger.com popped up:

"Blogger's spam-prevention robots have detected that your blog has characteristics of a spam blog. (What's a spam blog?) Since you're an actual person reading this, your blog is probably not a spam blog. Automated spam detection is inherently fuzzy, and we sincerely apologize for this false positive. You won't be able to publish posts to your blog until one of our humans reviews it and verifies that it is not a spam blog."

It took less than 20 minutes for them to review my site and allow me to start posting again, so I'm not really complaining. But, it's all kind of funny to me, because I do have a spamb1og, but that's not the blog that got locked by Blogger's anti-spam bots. Get on your job, Blogger!

Labels: comedy, meta

Websites that consist of nothing but funny/cute pictures of cats are great fun and all, but does Stuff On My Cat.com make anyone else think of "Slob On My Cat"?

Labels: comedy, links

SPAMB1OG is my new weird and possibly pointless concept blog, from the same team that brought you A Current Affair Blog. If you get any excessively strange or funny spam, please send it my way. It's turning out to be way harder than I expected to seperate the stuff from the stuff, you have to read through a lot of ones that are boring or made from the same formula before a truly noteworthy one pops up.

Labels: comedy, links, meta

I keep wanting to read the headline of this article, A Rapper for Diddy Finds a Home That's Just Dandy, aloud in a Paul Harvey voice. I don't know why the NY Times decided to do an article about new Bad Boy rapper Aasim in the real estate section, but I'm so glad they did (and that they didn't subject Los to this). Key quote: "I like to make up the bed," he said, "and then put a book on the bed." Also: Aasim has painted uncannily accurate scenes of SpongeBob SquarePants and friends on the walls. If he gets a creative notion, he said, he simply goes with it. (Bugmenot for easy login, and also thanks to Josh for the link.)

Labels: comedy, links

Speaking of Rollins: something completely bizarre and hilarious.

Labels: comedy, links

My friend Mike sent this to me in an e-mail, which was apparently written by his friend Pittman. I wanted to link it, but since it's apparently from a bulletin on the guy's MySpace page and can't be linked, I'm just going to cut-and-paste the whole thing here:


Once there was a Bon Jovi...
And he loved a little boy.
And everyday the boy would gather his pink bandanas and his 2 octave keyboard and play rock star.
He would listen to Slippery When Wet and dance in his room and headbang.
They would play Runaway.
And when he was grounded he would listen to Dead or Alive and stare out his window.
And the boy loved the Bon Jovivery much.
And the Bon Jovi was happy.

But time went by.
And the boy grew older and the Bon Jovi was often alone.
Then one day the boy came to the Bon Jovi and the Bon Jovi said,
Come, boy, come rock out and listen to Slippery When Wet and dance in your room and headbang and be happy.
I am to big to play rock star, said the boy. I want to play sports and have fun. I want some soccer equipment. Can you give me some soccer equipment?
Im sorry, said the Bon Jovi, but I have no soccer equipment. I only have rocking merchandise. Take this screen printed sweatshirt, boy, and wear it to soccer practice. Then you will have soccer equipment and be happy.

And so the boy ordered the screen printed black sweatshirt from the debut, self-titled album and ran away to soccer practice. And the Bon Jovi was happy. But the boy stayed away for a long time and the Bon Jovi was sad.

And then one day the boy came back and the Bon Jovi rocked with joy and they said,
Come boy, come rock out and listen to Slippery When Wet and dance in your room and headbang and be happy.
I am to cool for keyboards, said the boy. I want to be punk rock, he said.
I want died hair and I want a studded belt and so I need an attitude. Can you give me a punk rock attitude?
I have no punk rock, said the Bon Jovi. Id rather smile and wear cowboy hats, but you may take my new album Keep the Faith and ridicule my power ballads and my hip new haircut. Then you will have an attitude and be happy.

And so the boy made fun of the video for Bed of Roses and became punk rock. And the Bon Jovi was happy.

But the boy died his hair red for a long time.

And when the boy came back, the Bon Jovi was so happy he could hardly wail.
Come, boy, they crooned, come and play rock star.
I am in college and too old to air guitar, said the boy. I want to meet girls. Can you get girls to talk to me?

Put in my greatest hits album and listen to it when you drive around with girls, said the Bon Jovi. Then you can be a non-threatening yet cute dork. Then girls wil talk to you and you'll be happy.

So the boy dug out Crossroad and kept it in his car in college to sing along ironically with girls. And the Bon Jovi was happybut not really.

And after a long time the boy took his girlfriend to the MCI Center to see the Bon Jovi.
I am sorry, boy, said the Bon Jovi, but I have nothing left to give you--

My vocal range is gone, I can only sing near monotone harmonies of classic vocal lines.

My merchandise is covered by this red smiley face that Sprint thought would be a great logo for telephones.

My aging back is too weak to be strapped to a harness and fly over the audience.

My ears hurt from decades of touring, so I play only acoustic versions of your favorite songs.

I wish that I could give you somethingbut I have nothing left I am just a very pretty man with blinding white teeth and a classy swagger. I am sorry

I dont need very much now, said the boy, just an event to take my girlfriend on a night on the town. She likes to go on dates.

Well, said the Bon Jovi, smiling as pretty as he could, well, a Bon Jovi concert is good to taking your lady out. She will find Bon Jovi attractive, and she will want to have sex with you after the show. Come, boy, sit down. Sit down and watch the Bon Jovi concert.

And the boy did. And the Bon Jovi was happy.

Labels: comedy, story time

AOL Music has the video for Fiona Apple's "Not About Love," which features the always entertaining Zach Galifianakis lip syncing the song Chevy Chase/Paul Simon-style.

Labels: comedy, video

1. Tristan & Isolde
J.G. and I saw this the other night because it's one of her favorite stories/myths and she was curious to see how a film adaptation would come out, although she found the "the original Romeo & Juliet" tagline pretty distasteful. Although there are few things I'm more wary of than the post-Gladiator new school of historical costume epics, I found it relatively painless, although not great. Apparently they changed a fair amount of the specifics of the original story and removed a lot of magic and mysticism from it. James Franco is still on the 8-year streak of rebellious brooding that began with Freaks & Geeks, although his performance was actually pretty strong, and the rest of the cast was decent, Rufus Sewell being a standout.

2. I Heart Huckabees
Maybe it was because I watched this really late at night while grappling with insomnia, but this was kind of a listless, unpleasant viewing experience. It definitely seemed like he was going for something kind of unique and with more depth than the average 'quirky' 00's comedy, but the fact that almost everything about it, from Jason Schwartzman down to the Jon Brion score, carried the stench of that trend made it hard to seperate from all the other movies of the past few years that it harbors obvious comparisons to. Plus, almost everyone in the cast aside from Wahlberg was tremendously annoying. I might give it another chance sometime, but I don't know if mileage will vary.

3. Jersey Girl
Saw this on cable recently, and I have to say, despite the Bennifer and poor box office and negative reviews and being disowned by even View Askew nerds, it was actually alright! If Kevin Smith's goal was to make something as un-Kevin Smith-y as possible, he did a pretty decent job, even if occasional reminders kept popping up, like the bartender from Dogma making a joke about crotch rot. Even George Carlin had a role that required him to do something other than mug and raise his eyebrows, which was a little refreshing. And there were some parts that were genuinely funny and surprising, like the Will Smith cameo, which was kind of subversive and clever in a way that Huckabees only wishes the Shania Twain bit was.

Labels: comedy, Movie Diary, movies

1. King Kong
I never had much interest in the King Kong story, but considering how well Peter Jackson executed the Lord Of The Rings movies, I was looking forward to seeing what he did with this. The end result was overwhelming but not entirely in a good way. I liked the long first half of character development, and the cast, especially Jack Black, definitely rose to the occasion, but once the action got going, I wasn't entirely on board. There were definitely some amazing sequences, but some of the scenes with the dinosaurs and giant insects were just too long and eventually became overkill (something that always bothered me: if there's an island full of dinosaurs and all kinds of giant creatures, why would the movie be ostensibly just about the giant ape?). For a while the movie became kind of a house of horrors that was both impressive and a little greuling to watch in the same way that War Of The Worlds was.

Also, Peter Jackson has a couple habits that seem to be holdovers from his low budget gore movie days that keep plaguing this and LOTR, specifically the way he switches to a lower rate of frames per second so things move kind of slow and choppy every time there's some dramatic or pivotal scene. I swear he does it 20 times in the first half of King Kong and it gets so annoying. That said, there are some pretty spectacular sequences. And I have to give J.G. credit for noting the little in-joke reference to Dead-Alive (a crate in the boat labelled "Sumatran Rat Monkey").

2. The Producers
Covered on Powet Movies.

3. The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe
We were taken to a dreamworld of magic. Never read the books but enjoyed this, particularly for Tilda Swinton, who's really good at playing the same kind of evil/ethereal being as she did in the underrated Constantine.

4. Wallace & Gromit in The Curse of the Were-Rabbit
We saw this in the theater when it first came out a couple months ago but I don't think I ever wrote about it. I was always a fan of the earlier shorts, though, and they did a good job of expanding out into a longer and more complex storyline and making use of a bigger budget. My favorite might remain The Wrong Trousers, but they made the jump to theatrical features really well.

Labels: comedy, links, Movie Diary, movies

1. The Jeff Johnson Chronicles
On Rap City they used to have this guy they called Cousin Jeff come down to Da Bassment every once in a while to discuss serious issues affecting the black community with Big Tigger in between videos, which was always a little awkward. But now BET has given him his own show where it's all issues all the time. I particularly liked the episodes about sex and how hip hop has effected people's sexual attitudes. I mean, bloggers and critics are constantly coming up with armchair rants about that issue, but for me it's a lot more enlightening to hear actual rappers talk frankly about it, and a lot of them kind of take themselves to task. Plus there was this one weird part with Lil Scrappy and his mom, who used to be a pimp/madame.

2. The Comedians of Comedy
I caught the movie doc version of this on Showtime a while back, which was filmed last year and is different from the Comedy Central series that was filmed on a later tour this year. I think the movie version was a little heavier on actual standup footage and was more consistently funny, the series seems to have a lot more of Patton Oswalt and Brian Posehn being whiny, hateful comic book guys. The first episode had a lot of footage from their show at the Recher Theatre in Towson, MD, which I used to live down the road from. I wish I hadn't flaked out on that show, I heard it was good. Zach Galifianakis is definitely the funniest guy in the group, though, that late night show he had on VH1 that was cancelled after like a month was good. Maria Bamford is really good too, it seems to me like she has a really great comedic mind beyond just being the girl who does the funny voices. That bit where she sang OCD affirmations to herself to the tune of "I Will Always Love You" was amazing.

3. How I Met Your Mother
Now that the semester's over and I don't have a Monday night class, I can finally watch this, and it's pretty good. By the end of the 90's, the whole attractive-young-white-urbanites sitcom format had run out of steam, but it's actually kind of refreshing to see something like that again that isn't a Friends/Seinfeld rerun, and they kind of do something different with formua. I think it's the Bob Saget narration. Also, Doogie. And it's nice to see Nick from Freaks & Geeks in something again.

4. Everybody Hates Chris
Still not totally into it, it's just a little too Malcom In The Middle, y'know? But it's alright, albeit too cutesy, and like MITM, the dad is the most consistently funny character, and is also underused. And for the first time recently I noticed Chris Rock committing that old sin of every sitcom created by a comedian, recycling a joke from his standup routine. But it was the "big piece of chicken" bit and it was used well.

5. Twins
At the beginning of the season this got a lot of bad reviews as one of the worst new shows starring a couple of sitcom has-beens, Cousin Larry from Perfect Strangers and Darlene from Roseanne. But I have to say, this is actually pretty funny and has sharp dialogue that actually isn't all snappy putdowns and one-liners, although there's still some tired comedic tropes (like two dumb blonde characters). In a season where people are starved for a decent sitcom, I'm surprised people are giving a free pass to flawed but ostensibly "different" shows like Everybody Hates Chris and My Name Is Earl but giving this one a hard time.

Labels: comedy, TV, TV Diary